Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.I used to run a dating service for chickens.What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.Only a fraction of people will understand this The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for fresh prints.I guess the two of us aren't going to work out. I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up.It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning.Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble.Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.I hate my job-all I do is crush cans all day.What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve." My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy.Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday.What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.I don’t get why Marvel doesn’t use the Hulk to advertise more.Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe Flop.My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder.After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.What does a baby computer call his father? Data.Here are 200 of our favorite dad jokes, separated into several distinct categories for any dad-amusing situation. Yes, fine, it didn’t help my dad live longer, but I know for a fact that he was laughing on the last day of his life, and that seems like the best possible way to leave this mortal coil. Recent studies have shown that a good dose of humor, however groan-worthy, can lower your risk of cardiovascular illness, increase your body's ability to fight pain and prevent disease, and even help you live longer. If it evokes a reaction somewhere between cringing and earnest laughter, and you simultaneously want to tell the person sharing the joke to tell you more and also shut up because they’re embarrassing you in front of your friends, congratulations, you’re in the presence of a Dad joke.Īre Dad jokes good for you? Inarguably.
CALCULUS MEMES THANKS HOW TO
To paraphrase US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart when expounding on how to identify pornography in 1964, you’ll know it when you see it. If you’ve ever had a father (or currently are one), you don’t need me to explain a Dad Joke. For most of his life (or at least as long as I knew him), he was a huge advocate and gleeful teller of Dad Jokes. But more importantly, we knew it would’ve made our dad laugh. “He died as he lived,” we’d say, nodding meaningfully. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. We didn't want to be cheered up with idiotic aphorisms that put a positive spin on his medical condition. He died of an enlarged heart, and when the news spread in our neighborhood, well-meaning friends and acquaintances would walk up to my brother and me and tell us, “Your dad died as he lived, with a big heart.” It never failed to annoy us. This is a story about one of my favorite dad jokes.
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